


When Lilies Bloom

by TheReluctantSoldier



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia, F/M, Fem!Eren, Hurt/Comfort, Levi is in the Marine Corps, Light Angst, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, POV Eren Yeager, POV First Person, Recovery, and actually shows some affection, but he's still awkward at romance, he does eod, he doesn't like to admit it but he's a sap, i shaved levi, levi actually understands emotions, levi's cleanliness is real, tbh i made my editor cry, the poor guy is trying, trying to convince erin to overcome her disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-11 13:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4437152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheReluctantSoldier/pseuds/TheReluctantSoldier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the past year, Erin has been a puppet to a disorder that's been controlling her life. It pulls the strings, twisting and bending her with its every will and desire. However it hasn't gained full control. The only person who helps her stay intact is her boyfriend. He holds her as she hangs onto the last strand of her old self. Will Levi be able to help Erin gain full control and overcome her eating disorder?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Little Wilted Lily

Morning sunlight was peeking in through the crack between the curtains, stretching out across the room and dimly brightening it. Sadly the light was able to reach me, and when I say me I mean my closed eyes. I groaned softly and tried to roll away from it, snuggling into the warmth of the comforter, making sure it covered most of my head.

 

I heard a soft huff of laughter. My eyes slowly opened to see my lover lying in front of me. His face was neutral as ever, but I could see hints of amusement in his eyes. I whined a little and snuggled in closer to him, enjoying the heat he provided. I planned on going back to sleep until I felt a hand thread through my hair soothingly.

 

"Morning sleepy head," Levi said, trying to smooth out my bed hair. I sighed at the feeling and stayed there for a few moments before rolling over to stretch, loving the way my limbs made little popping noises.

 

"Mornin'," I replied, sleep still evident in my voice. "Were you able to get any sleep last night?"

 

"Only for a few hours. I just woke up about an hour or two ago."

 

"You've been watching me sleep ever since?" I questioned and he hummed in response.

 

"Well I did take a shit and made some tea for myself. Other than that, yes I did watch you." He sat up, put both of his hands on either side of my head, and leaned down to press a chaste kiss to my lips. I grunted and wrapped my arms around his neck.

 

"How romantic," I mumbled against his lips. We shared a few more kisses before Levi pulled away and brushed some hair out of my face. "Your breath smells," he deadpanned.

 

"Thanks for the notice."

 

Levi was already out of bed by the time I sat up and stretched my arms over my head. He opened the curtains causing sunlight to brighten the room and for me to cover my eyes with my hand. "Can't you tell a girl when you're going to open the damn curtains," I whined loudly.

 

"You'd probably go back to sleep if I didn't."

 

"I wasn't going to go back to sleep, okay?"

 

"Sure you wouldn't."

 

I threw a pillow at him and slowly got out of bed. "So cruel," I mumbled and walked over to the closet to grab some warm winter clothes. There was a heavy snow storm last night and everything was probably covered with deep snow. It was fitting for Christmas. Wait today was Levi's birthday. "Oh and happy birthday asshole."

 

"C'mon, Erin, you know you love this asshole," he said and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the back of my neck. "And don't remind me that I'm older than I was yesterday. I feel like an old man now."

 

"But you are an old man."

 

"Oi, I'm twenty-five now," he snapped lightly and let me go. "You can go take a shower. I've already taken one." And with that he left our bedroom.

 

I sighed and walked to the bathroom to do one of my least favourite activities of the day. Why was it my least favourite activity? Well it's just I have to look at my body and feel it when I wash myself. I don't like looking at it because it doesn't look perfect enough to me. That I'm not skinny enough. I know my hipbones and collarbones protrude out abnormally and my ribs are visible. Not to mention that if someone ran their hand down my back they'd be able to feel every backbone. I never asked to look like a skeleton. All I ever wanted was to be thin.

 

I clicked the bathroom light on and closed the door behind me softly, setting down the new set of clothes on the counter. Not looking in the mirror, I stripped myself of the clothes I wore yesterday and stepped into the shower. Squeaking the shower on, I relaxed a little once the hot warm started to flow down over my skin.

 

After I washed my hair, I was a little reluctant to wash my body, but I did it anyways for Levi's sake. I didn't like the feel of my bones underneath my fingers. I didn't like watching the way the soapy water ran over the crevices of my hipbones. I was repulsed by the sight.

 

Once I was done, I turned the shower off and wrapped a towel around my body. The next part was harder for me as I took a step in front of the mirror but I was looking down so I couldn't see the empty person who would stare right back. I frowned and wondered if Levi saw what I saw. A walking skeleton whose goal in life is to be skinny. Someone who's obsessed with the number on the scale and the width of her waist.

 

I got the sudden urge to look up and when I did I saw something I didn't like. I was unfamiliar with the person who was in the mirror. Her cheekbones were more prominent than the last time I checked. There were bags underneath her eyes that had once been bright with fiery passion but were now dull. Her once beautiful, full tan skin was now pale. She didn't seem to be alive in that empty shell of hers and all I could see were imperfections and fat.

 

I was shaken out of staring at myself in the mirror when I felt warm arms wrap around me and pull me back against a strong chest. I noticed grey eyes were staring at me in the mirror. I was suddenly feeling self conscious because Levi had to see me this way. I froze up and waited for him to be disgusted by the sight of me.

 

"You were taking a long time so I came to check up on you," he told me, pressing a kiss to my shoulder. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, because this was Levi. He'd never say anything bad to me. Levi can be a complete ass but he’s always been kind to me even though I drag him along with my issues and self doubt. "I made pancakes. Do you want any?"

 

"Not really…" I knew he wanted me to eat especially when I was rushed to the ER a month ago. He's been trying to get me to eat ever since. My voice came out tiny as I looked down to avert eye contact. "But I might eat just a tiny bit."

 

"I made them the way you like them," he said and a second or two later he was gone.

 

I sighed and didn't look at the mirror again as I put on the fresh clothes I had left out; a baggy long sleeve shirt and baggy sweat pants. As I dried my hair, I closed my eyes so I couldn't see myself and once I was satisfied with my hair I pulled it up into a messy bun. I opened my eyes as soon as I was facing away from the mirror and left the bathroom. I threw my dirty clothes away into the hamper and snuck over to the closet. I grabbed one of Levi's hoodies that was bigger than it should be for a man his size and put that on too. He always says he doesn't like it when I steal his stuff. I knew he secretly liked it when I wear them.

 

The whole apartment smelled of freshly cooked pancakes. If I had an appetite I would've rushed over to the one pancake Levi had left out for me and just devour it before asking for more. Instead I slowly walked over the the table and sat down, looking down at the food sickly. I had to remember that I was doing this for Levi. I didn't have to eat all of it just a tiny bit. He'd be satisfied with that much.

 

I heard the sound of paper rustling and I glanced up to see Levi reading the newspaper. He wasn't watching me to see if I was eating at all or not. I appreciated it a lot. I felt a little more comfortable now even though it took a lot of self convincing to finally rip off a small piece of the pancake and start nibbling on it. The taste of it was a little foreign but I had started getting used to eating tiny bits of food like this ever since Levi started to force feed me.

 

I was reluctant to grab another piece after that, but did it anyway. When I thought I had enough, I pushed the plate away, showing Levi that I was done. I watched him set the newspaper down next to him and our eyes met. He clicked his tongue once he noticed what I was wearing. "Did you seriously steal my hoodie again?"

 

"Yes, it's nice and comfy. I really like it," I pouted. He raised an eyebrow and I looked back at him defiantly. "I'm not going to take it off if that's what you're thinking."

 

"I wasn't thinking that."

 

"Good because even if you wanted me to I wouldn't." I knew he wanted me to keep it on. He doesn't know that I knew this though.

 

Levi glanced down at the food I had pushed aside and I swear I could see a small smile gracing his lips. "You ate more than you usually do," he said.

 

"What?" I asked a little mortified by the fact that I had eaten more than I intended to. I leaned over to peer at my food and I really had. Oh god how many calories would that be? How much weight will I gain? All these thoughts started to flow into my mind as I sat back, sickened by the fact that I had eaten way too much.

 

'Should I throw it up?' I wondered, 'No that would make Levi upset.'

 

Again, I was shaken out of my thoughts when I felt a kiss be placed on my forehead and I looked up to see Levi standing there. His eyes had softened a tiny bit and that smile was just slightly bigger than before. The next thing he said made my heart melt. "I'm proud of you, Erin."

 

What the hell do I say to that. "Y-yeah," I stuttered a little.

 

'Good job, Erin. Taking compliments like a pro,' I thought as I watched him walk back to the kitchen with my half eaten pancake. I looked down at my hands nervously. I had just eaten more than I have in years. Was I proud of myself like Levi was? Happy? No I felt scared. Scared of gaining weight.

 

"Are you ready to go? The movie is going to start in less than an hour," Levi told me as he pulled on his coat and wrapped a scarf around his neck.

 

"Really? What time is it?"

 

"It's about a quarter after elev-"

 

I jumped out of my seat and rushed to the bathroom. "What do you mean it's only a quarter after eleven?!" I called out to him as I grabbed my toothbrush and went speed racer on brushing my teeth. I had told myself that I'd do it after eating. If I had known that I wouldn't have much time to get ready then I would have done it earlier.

 

"Did you seriously forget to brush your teeth?" A voice asked right next to me. I sent a glare to my lover at the side of my eye.

 

"I th'ght I coul' do 't aft'r eat'ng," I said around my toothbrush. He scowled at the fact that I was talking with something in my mouth and my spit was probably shooting out at him.

 

"That's disgusting."

 

I spit out the toothpaste and washout my mouth. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?"

 

"You were tired so I let you sleep in," Levi replied and walked away. I followed him out as he continued, "Anyways you were in the shower for about an hour."

 

My eyes widened slightly and I caught up with him so we were walking next to each other. "It didn't seem like it was that long."

 

"You were in the shower for about a half an hour and then in the bathroom for awhile."

 

I looked down ashamed because I had been so focused on my body to pay attention to what was going on around me. I must have disappointed Levi or something. "I'm sorry…" I whispered.

 

"Don't worry about it," he told me in a soft tone that he only used when I was feeling really insecure. I relaxed some and looked back up a little more confidently. Levi was here and that's all I needed.

 

The ride to the movie theater was mostly me singing loudly to Christmas songs just to annoy the living shit out of Levi. He hated Christmas music more than the holiday. To be honest I was starting to feel like my old self again. That is before my problem began. It was nice. Maybe because it was Christmas and Levi's birthday or maybe because I'm in love. I wasn't too sure. It was probably both. It felt really weird though. It was almost as if I was normal again.

 

The movie we were going to go see was The Revenant. I had wanted to see it ever since September and I kept on bothering Levi about it until he agreed to watch it on the day it came out - which turned out to be on Christmas. The main reason why I wanted to watch it was because Leonardo DiCaprio was in it. I had a slight celebrity crush on him. To be honest I liked the movie a lot. Levi told me he thought it was okay. I told him that he was crazy. I kept on talking about it the whole entire ride to lunch though, just to annoy the living shit out of him again. At one point I swear I saw Levi smile.

 

However I quieted down the closer we got to the restaurant. This was going to be the hard part because what if I'm forced to get a plate for myself? I can't eat a whole plate of food because 1) I can't eat that much in general 2) my stomach has shrunk 3) way too many calories and fat. I frowned at the thought. I've already eaten way too much today. I don't need anymore.

 

Levi probably noticed my change of mood because all he said was, "You don't have to eat anything, Erin."

 

Sighing, I looked over at Levi with a small smile. He was paying attention to the road, but my heart started to beat faster. I was so in love with this man. Even though he has to deal with my shit 24/7, I couldn't think of a life without him. "Thank you Levi."He hummed in response and we left the conversation at that.

 

It didn't take us very long to get to the restaurant. I didn't really like it because the whole place reeked of Mexican food. The waitress was nice though. She kindly sat us down at a booth at the back of the restaurant and gave us our drinks. When she took our orders, she didn't ask me why I didn't want anything or about how I looked malnourished. I remembered this one time Levi and I went to this restaurant and the waiter was a huge jerk. He had told me that I should eat so I could get some meat on my bones because I looked like a stick. I felt like hiding after he said that. Levi looked like he was going to murder the guy though. We haven't been to that restaurant ever since.

 

Levi got these strange looking enchiladas and a side salad. I wondered how he could eat something that looked so weird with its brightly colored sauce. After a while, Levi noticed that I was staring at his food. He pushed his salad across the table to me. "You can have some of my salad if you want."

 

"No thank you…." I pushed it back to him and started to fiddle with a piece of string that was sticking out of the hoodie's sleeve. He accepted his food silently.

 

We sat there in comfortable silence for awhile until Levi asked, "Are you sure you're going to be okay while I'm gone?"

 

I stopped playing with the string. "Yeah I think so…. Armin and Mikasa said that they were willing to come check up on me every so often. Um…. will you still video chat with me and call and stuff..?"

 

"Of course."

 

"That's good." I smiled and started to fiddle with the string again. "I'm really going to miss you. You're going to be gone longer than you ever have before…"

 

"It'll only be for two years. Before you know it I'll be home."

 

"I'm not going to have that much time to hangout with you before you leave though. You're leaving tomorrow for Camp Pendleton, right?"

 

Levi nodded. "I'll call you when I get there."

 

"Okay…"

 

"Hey Erin." I felt him kick my shin lightly to get my attention. "I'll be fine. No bombs are going to blow me up. I'm going to come back for you."

 

I usually don't cry, but I felt like crying right then and there. Levi's going to leave for a really long time and I'll miss him like crazy, but what made me emotional was the fact that he was going to come back for me. People usually don't do that. I've been abandoned by so many people over the years. He'll come back for me though.

 

A small smile slowly appeared on my face and I nodded. He knew how I was feeling. We didn't need to talk about our feelings to know how the other was feeling. We were better at showing them through actions.

 

It didn't take real long for Levi to finish his food. I told him that he didn't have to give the waitress such a huge tip, but he told me that he wanted to since she was kind to us - in other words, me. I didn't say anything after that.

 

When we left the restaurant, we drove over to the city park. There was going to be a Christmas Lane there with lights and Christmas themed decorations; such as snowmen and light up reindeer. We went there last year for Christmas too. Levi didn't really enjoy it as much as I did but he seemed to like it enough to come back.

 

It was still too early to go in yet so we parked the car close by and decided to walk around the city for a bit till it was dark enough to head back. When it was finally night out, we went back to the park. As we got closer I could see the lights in the distance. There were couples and families walking around. There were also some children played in the snow. I smiled at the sight. If I could, I'd run over there, but I stayed. I knew that if I went alone people would comment on my appearance.

 

By the time we were there, I was looking around at everything. It looked different from last year. There were plastic houses everywhere with light decorations on them. I really liked the one that had lights that were shaped like candy canes.

 

I turned my head to Levi and noticed that he was already staring at me. "What?"

 

"It's nothing."

 

I stared at him for a few seconds before we started to walk around, looking at all the decorations. At one a point I grabbed Levi's hand and laced our fingers together. Believe it or not, at that very moment I felt the happiest I had ever been in the longest time.

 

We didn't stay there for real long though, due to our fingers and toes threatening to get frostbite if we didn't go home. As soon as the front door was open, I rushed to our bedroom to change clothes. It had started to snow again as soon as we got back to the apartment. There were so many small flakes of snow on me that it looked like I had a really bad case of dandruff. All I wanted to do was put on some nice, warm clothes and snuggle into the blankets.

 

By the time Levi walked into our bedroom, I was sitting on the bed with our comforter wrapped around me. He snorted at the sight and started to change his clothes. I was watching him as he took off his shirt. I loved the way his muscles moved as he pulled the shirt off over his head. He noticed my staring and smirked, "Enjoying the view?"

 

"Very much."

 

Levi said nothing and went back to changing. I just wanted him to hurry up so we could cuddle already. It felt like hours when he finally decided to come join me. Levi told me to get out of the blankets and scoot. I whined loudly as I crawled out of the blankets. It was freezing cold in here.

I'm pretty sure Levi rolled his eyes at that and I was about to complain to him until I felt arms pull me back between Levi's legs and against his chest. I sighed at the heat he was radiating off and it made it even better when he pulled the comforter up onto us. It felt nice to relax and be warm.

 

We sat there silently, enjoying each other's presence. I felt normal. I wasn't really thinking about going and checking my weight. Levi's arms and warmth were the only things that kept me from going. However over time I realized that I hadn't given him a present.

 

"I still haven't given you a birthday present yet…" I told Levi, thinking of what I could give him for his birthday. I didn't buy him anything so that was out of the question. Well there was that other thing. I turned around and asked, "Do you want to have birthday sex?"

 

Levi quirked a brow. "That is a very tempting gift, but there's something else I want for my birthday."

 

I tilted my head a little and stared at him confused. "What do you want then?"

 

Levi looked away, and for some reason he looked… nervous? That was strange. Levi's rarely nervous. Was he going to tell me something bad? The only possible thing that popped into my mind was that he wanted to break up. It was a ridiculous thought to think, but I like I've said before I don't really have a lot of self-confidence. What if he really did want to break up with me? A knot formed in my throat as I waited for him to answer me.

 

It seemed like ages until Levi finally looked at me again. He grabbed both of my hands and I nervously nodded my head for him to continue. He took in one deep breath and exhaled before he started to speak.

 

"Erin, the first time we met, you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my whole life. Yes, I will admit that you were a pain in my ass at first, but the more I got to know you, the more I was slowly falling in love with you-" he glanced away again "-Shit I might've not looked like it, but I was happy when you went out with me for the first time. I was happy when we moved in together. I know I suck at showing my feelings or talking about them, and I'm not good at romantic things. Over the years our relationship has had its ups and down, but Erin, I just want you to know that I really do love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

 

I didn't know I was crying until I finally realized what Levi wanted. He didn't want to break up. He wanted something that was completely different. What he's going to say was something I've always wanted to hear every since I fell in love with him.

 

To help the mood, Levi coughed awkwardly before pulling up one of my hands and kissed the top of it. With his lips still pressed against my hand, Levi gazed up at me and the look in his eyes made me want to melt. "Erin, will you marry me?"

 

I pounced onto him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "God you're such a sap," I laughed in the middle of sobbing, "Yes, Levi, I will marry you."

 

Levi muttered something about how he couldn't believe he was being a sap but wrapped his arms around me anyway. I pressed our foreheads together and kept on whispering 'yes'. At some point, Levi leaned in to give me into a chaste kiss - which I turned into a passionate kiss.

 

Levi was the first to pull away from the kiss, leaving me to want more. "I ask for one thing before we get married."

 

"What would that be?"

 

"I know how you feel about your weight," Levi said and I stiffened at the mention of it, " And I'm sure you're aware this concerns me, right?"

 

I nodded hesitantly, ashamed by the fact that I really did know and did nothing to do something about it. Not like I really could.

 

"Do you remember your mother's wedding dress - the one you love?" he asked and I nodded slowly, "Here's the thing I ask of you. In two years if you can fit into that dress then we can have our wedding."

 

I stared at Levi mortified. He wanted me to gain weight? Why would he say that? I thought he wanted to make me happy… but the thought of finally being able to marry him seemed to do just that. I would be able to walk down the aisle with Levi waiting at the altar for me. Everyone would be there; Mikasa, Armin, mom and dad, Levi's family and friends. Just thinking of sharing our first kiss as a married couple made me a little flustered.

 

Erin Ackerman.

 

It sounded really nice in my head and the more I thought about it the more I liked it. Yet should I give up on trying to be thin to marry Levi? Skinny or Levi? I sat there contemplating on what I should do. Luckily Levi was waiting patiently for my answer. He was too kind.

 

After what seemed like forever, I leaned back and hesitantly said, "I can, um, try to gain weight if it'll make you happy…"

 

"I want you to gain weight for yourself and feel happy with the way you look. Don't do it for me, do it for yourself. You'll feel better and be happier in life."

 

I averted my eyes and frowned. I was scared and I didn't know if I could be happy not being skinny. A hand pushed back a strand of my hair behind my ear and out of my face before caressing my cheek. It was so uncommon for Levi to show this much affection. "I want you to be happy and feel beautiful, Erin. I promise you will feel that way someday."

 

God those words made my heart pound heavily against my ribs, and I swear I was going to start crying again. I had always thought it was impossible to stop desiring to be thin, and here was Levi, trying to convince me that it was possible. That I could actually go through with something like this.

 

"Okay… I'll try my best I guess..." I whispered, shifting in my spot nervously.

 

Levi seemed to be satisfied with my answer because he leaned over the bed, opened the nightstand drawer, and took something out. He leaned back against the wall and held out a small black box. "This is for you."

 

I took the box from him and slowly opened it to reveal the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. It was silver with the band twirling around a big diamond. There were smaller diamonds on either side of bigger one. "It's so beautiful, Levi," I whispered, pulling the ring out of the box. I held it closer to my face to get a better look at it.

 

I gave him the ring when he held out his hand expectantly. "When you're struggling or feeling insecure some days," he said as he picked up my left hand and slid the ring onto my finger, "I want you to look as this and remember your goal. I want you to think of me."

 

Trying not to cry again, I wrapped my arms around my fiance's shoulders and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Levi."

  
"I love you too, Erin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading my fanfic. it's going to be a two-shot. chapter two will be coming soon so please stay tuned. if anyone was wondering, i got the inspiration to write this from an article i read online. i found it very interesting and i thought of my otp, levi/eren. however, it didn't seem right for eren to be a guy so i made him a girl. i know males can have anorexia as well, but fem!eren just seemed to fit the role better. sadly my fanfic made my editor cry.


	2. The Lily Flourishes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not a marine so i don't know if i made this accurate enough or not. please don't hold me accountable if it isn't (i will change things if needed). i did a lot of research though. sadly i had to shave levi

**CaptainGrumpy: Are you ready?**

**LilyBunnu: give me a sec**

 

I ran to the bedroom to grab the comforter from the bed and rushed back to my laptop that was sitting on the coffee table in the living room. I wrapped the thick blanket around myself and plopped down onto the floor in front of my laptop. I smoothed out my bed hair as I read Levi’s new message.

 

**CaptainGrumpy: I can’t skype for a real long time. It’s field day today.**

**LilyBunnu: oh ok. btw i’m ready**

 

A second or two later, the annoying sound of Skype’s ringtone filled the room. I answered the video chat as fast as I could. I missed Levi so much. We hadn’t talked for the past week so I was impatient to hear his voice and see his face.

 

Once the video feed came through, I smiled at the sight of my fiance. Levi was leaning back in a chair, his leg over the other, his arms crossed against his chest. He was wearing his camo uniform pants and a green shirt with the jacket swung over his shoulder. I noticed that the dark circles under his piercing grey eyes were darker than usual. I started to fiddle with the ring on my finger as his eyes skimmed over my body.

 

“You look like a burrito,” he deadpanned into his headset.

 

“It’s freezing cold in here, okay? It’s been snowing all day and our heater is broken again,” I complained, snuggling deeper into the blankets.

 

“I need to replace that piece of crap.”

 

“That’d be really, really nice of you. It’s been broken six times already.”

 

“Yeah we can w-” he was interrupted when someone entered the room. That was probably Levi’s roommate. I had never met him before so I was a little nervous to see a new face. However I didn’t realize I was going to meet not only one new face, but four. I watched as four people appeared on screen. They looked slightly familiar but I couldn’t remember where I had seen them before.

 

“Hey there Levi. We were wonderin’ if you wanted to come play some video games with us,” a blond haired man told Levi.

 

“Yeah, we were thinking of playing Halo again,” another said.

 

“Hey, who’s this?” The first one to notice me was the only girl in the room. She was petite and had short strawberry blonde hair. “She’s really pretty.”

 

My breath hitched as everyone’s attention turned to me. ‘ _Oh god what do I say_?’ I panicked before realizing that only Levi could hear me. I glanced away, not wanting to see them stare at me. I wanted to hide away in my blankets, and I would’ve if Levi hadn’t say anything.

 

“Why are all of you wanting to play video games?” Levi questioned dangerously, glaring at the Marines around him. They looked stiff. “Do you not remember it’s Field Day today?”

 

“Uhh-”

 

“Don’t ‘uh’ me,” Levi said and looked at the blond who asked about videogames earlier. “Eld, you’re a Corporal or was I mistaken when I read your papers?”

 

“Yes, my rank is Corporal, Sergeant Ackerman,” Eld replied and saluted.

 

“Then get these Private First Classes out of my room and get cleaning. I’m sure none of you would want First Sergeant Pixis to find any dust again, rah?”

 

“Rah,” all four of them synced.

 

“I will be downstairs in a bit. If I see any dirt or dust, I will have all of you clean everything top to bottom again. Dismissed.” Levi waved them off and they rushed out of there as fast as they could. I was trying not to laugh as I watched them leave. I failed.

 

“What are you laughing about?”

 

“Your obsession with cleanliness is worse there than it is here.”

 

“It’s not my fault that everything has to be sparkly clean,” Levi told me. He uncrossed his leg, rested his elbows on his desk, and leaned in closer to the screen. I could see all his features, and it sort of felt like he was here with me. The only thing that was different was his hair. It still had the undercut but his once beautiful black hair was now trimmed down close to his scalp. It’s been seven years since I met Levi and I’m still not used to it. “Anyways, how have you been?”

 

“I’m okay I guess” I replied with a shrug, “Dr. Susan told me that my body is still recovering from my eating disorder, but it’s healthy enough that I can exercise now without getting weak or fainting. Apparently it’s been like that for about half a year but I was in the hospital. I didn’t really get any exercise ‘cause there wasn’t really anything I could use.”

 

“Have you tried exercising outside since then?” Levi asked, his head propped up on his elbow.

 

“Not yet. Mikasa is planning on getting me a membership at the gym she goes to. I think she said there was a yoga class there. My therapist thought yoga would be a wonderful idea to help me with my anxiety and have me focus on something,” I told him, remembering how Mikasa made a big deal out of me doing yoga. She had told me that she’d do it with me so I didn’t have to be in the class alone. She was aware of my slight social anxiety and I appreciated it a lot that she cared enough to be there with me.

 

“I agree with your therapist. Yoga is a light exercise that not only helps the body, but the mind as well. I think it’ll help you a lot.”

 

“Yeah I could try it out and see if I like it or not,” I replied with a small smile. “Now it’s your turn to tell me how you’ve been.”

 

“I’m tired as fuck. I didn’t get any sleep last night, and today is going to be shit. All of the new Privates are going to be a pain in my ass. I need to teach them how to clean to my standards so Pixis doesn’t whoop our asses again. I am not going to be punished just because someone missed a speck of dust,” Levi ranted. He looked really annoyed and I was trying not to laugh again. “Don’t you dare laugh at me again.”

 

“I can’t help it. I’ve never met someone as clean as you are,” I giggled. Levi watched me as I tried to calm down, and once I did he told me, “You look really beautiful right now.”

 

I sucked in a breath and stared at him, not really sure how to respond. ‘ _If someone tells you that you’re looking good, they really do think you look good. Same thing applies if someone tells you that you’re beautiful. They wouldn’t lie to you. It’s just your disorder trying to tell you that they are_ ,’ I recalled what a hospital therapist had gone over with me almost a year and a half ago. For months we had worked on exposing the lies I had been telling myself and replacing them with more positive thoughts. It had taken me forever me to realize what was true and what were lies. I was still not used to receiving compliments, but I was getting there slowly.

 

“Thank you.” I smiled at my fiance and pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Levi.”

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Erin.” My smile grew when I noticed he was smiling too. His wasn’t as big as mine, but it was there and that’s all that mattered. However it disappeared as quick as it came when someone entered the room. Through the video he looked incredibly tall and I wondered if this man was Levi’s roommate.

 

Levi looked back at the other as he was told, “Erwin had me come up here to get you. First Sergeant Pixis will be here in a little over two hours. We need you downstairs now.”

 

“Yeah, yeah I know. Tell eyebrows to go take a shit. I’ll be down there in a bit,” Levi told him, “Oh, and Mike, make sure nobody is slacking off when I get down there. I know how some of the new Marines are; especially that Private Kirstein. The little shit better not do a half ass job like last time.”

 

Once the tall Marine left the room, Levi turned his attention back to me and sighed. “I have to go now.”

 

“Will you call tomorrow?”

 

“I’ll try to fit in some time, okay?”

 

“Yeah…” I smiled sadly and fiddled with my ring again.

 

“Hey. I’ll see what I can do,” Levi said and I had a feeling that he wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him and have him hold me in bed, but that was not possible at the moment. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” The last thing I saw was Levi standing up and then the video vanished. A sense of loneliness crept over me. We didn’t really get to talk that much this time. I hoped he would be able to tomorrow.

 

I was about to shut down my laptop when a skype notification popped up. I opened skype again and saw that Levi had messaged me.

 

**CaptainGrumpy: I’ll see if I can have some freetime.**

I smiled softly and quickly typed out my reply.

 

**LilyBunnu: i miss you**

**CaptainGrumpy: I miss you too.**

 

And with that he logged off. I sighed and finally turned off the laptop. Levi would be coming home in about five months. I just wanted him home right then and there. I wondered if he’d think I was fat once he sees me in re-

 

No I won’t let my mind wander there. I needed to distract myself. Remembering what I was going to do after the video chat, I slowly stood up and walked over to the bookshelf. I grabbed a coloring book and my box of crayons and went back to my seat. I sat down, opened to the last page I had left off at, and started coloring. This always helped me when I was feeling anxious or if my mind started to wander back to past thoughts.

 

Tomorrow would be the second year anniversary since I went to the eating disorder program at Wall Maria Hospital. I remembered between the time Levi left and the hospital, I was still letting my disorder take control of me. I knew I was breaking the promise I had made with Levi, but the thought of gaining weight was a terrifying one. I just couldn’t do it even though I would tell myself ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ or ‘Next week for sure’. I knew I was lying. I knew I wasn’t going to do it. That I wouldn’t be able to give up the desire to be thin, and that killed me inside because I couldn’t marry Levi anymore.

 

During that time I refused to video chat with Levi. I knew he’d know straight off the bat that I wasn’t doing shit to help myself. So we just stuck with calls and texting. Yes, Armin and Mikasa came around every now and then, but whenever they tried to feed me food I just wouldn’t eat. I couldn’t.

 

That is until Hange came and visited me a week before Valentine’s day.

 

✤✤╰☆╮✤✤

 

 

_I had been sulking in the bedroom when there were three knocks at the door. There was a waging war in my mind so I didn't care enough to answer the door. I stayed on the bed, staring at nothing in general. I was brought back to reality when I heard the front door slam shut. I wasn’t sure who it was so I went to inspect who had entered the apartment. I knew it couldn’t have been either Mikasa or Armin. They’d never slam the door like that._

_I had taken two steps from the bed when someone burst into the room. Surprised, I jumped about five feet in the air. The person who stood in the doorway had a big smile on their face. “Hey there, Erin,” Hange greeted, holding up a Wendy’s fast food bag, “I brought dinner.”_

_I stared at them, confused, and slowly sat back down. Why was Hange here? They only visited when Levi was home. “You didn’t have to,” I told them, “I’m not hungry.”_

_“Of course you are.” Hange beamed, walked around the bed, and sat on the other side. They kicked off their snow covered boots and sat criss-crossed next to me. They then pulled out a lot of food, groaning as they pulled out a huge cheeseburger. “God I’m starving.”_

_I looked down at the other food they brought. It looked like there were two meals. One for Hange, and one for me… I frowned and turned my head away. I didn’t want that food. I didn’t need it._

_We sat there in silence for a few seconds until Hange hummed, “God this is so good. You should try some of this food, Erin.”_

_“No thanks…” I muttered, kinda closing into myself. Why were they trying to get me to eat? They should know that I won’t do it..._

_“Aw c’mon, Erin. It’s delicious. I bet you’d like it.”_

_“I said no thanks, Hange,” I snapped, getting annoyed at them for trying to make me to do something I didn’t want to. I glared at them. “What are you even doing here.”_

_The smile on Hange's face vanished and was replaced by a frown. Sighing, they put the cheeseburger down on its wrapper, wiped their hands off on their pants, and turned to me. “I came here to talk to you, Erin.”_

_I scowled. “What do you want to talk about.”_

_“Well I’m pretty sure you already know,” they said. I watched them warily. I only talked about my obsession with Levi. “But I came here to talk to you about Levi.”_

_“What about him?” I questioned and turned to them._

_Hange laughed humorlessly. “You want to make Levi happy, right?”_

_“Of course I do.”_

_“Okay, let me tell you a story about him then,” Hange said, propping their head up on their elbows that were resting on their knees, “I’ve known Levi ever since I can remember. We grew up together, went to all the same schools together, and he doesn’t like to admit it but I’m his best friend. Don’t tell him I said that though. He’d probably hunt down my ass. Anyways at a young age I noticed that Levi was different from other people. His lack of social skills and intimidating presence made people wary of him. I guess you could say I was the only person who was able to have a conversation with him without getting intimidated and stay his friend without running away from his cynical personality._

_“It was probably his family that caused it, but Levi could never like anyone romantically. He’d always avoid romantic ties at all costs. It seriously seemed like he was afraid of being in a relationship. I don’t think he’s ever had a crush before either. That is until you came around. You remember how we met right?-” I nodded, remembering how Armin was the one to introduce us “-Okay well Levi didn’t want to go, but I did so I dragged him along. I’m serious. I literally had to drag him out of his apartment. He kept on cussing me out as we drove over to the bar we met up at. He was a sourpuss the whole entire time we were there. I remember he told me that I was the worst person in the world and he didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Of course he wasn’t being serious so I kept on dragging him along to our little meet ups. After awhile he came willingly._

_“You guys did not get along at first, but that gradually changed. Don’t tell him that I know this, but I noticed the way he started to look at you differently. Sometimes he’d watch you when he thought no one was looking and when you’d laugh he seemed to relax. One day he came to me distressed and asked for help. ‘I think I like Erin’ he had told me. I was ecstatic to hear those words from a man who refused to fall for anyone. The more I watched him, the more he seemed to be less grumpy._

_“When you guys started dating, I noticed Levi would smile every now and then, and let me tell you that man does not smile. The last time I saw him smile was in elementary school. Even though he sucks at expressing his feelings I could tell he was happier. Last summer, Levi came to me again. He wanted me to help him find the perfect engagement ring. I wanted to sweep him off the floor and twirl him around in circles. Let me tell you this now, he had that ring for about six months before he proposed to you.-” Hange pointed at the ring on my finger “-Deep down inside he’s a coward when it comes to romance. He didn’t know when it would be the right time to propose. I’m sure you remember the incident that occurred in November. While you were lying on the hospital bed, I saw something I hadn’t seen in the longest time, longer than when he smiled. Levi was actually crying. Well not bawling his eyes out or anything like that. It was more like a silent cry, and it pained me to see him like that. A week after December began, Levi had messaged me and said that he was going to finally propose to you.”_

_Hange looked extremely serious as they told me, “Erin, I’ve never seen Levi as happy as he is with you. I know he doesn’t show it, but I can see it. He loves you so much, Erin. All he wants is for you to be happy and healthy.”_

_I was crying by the time Hange finished. Levi had told me some stuff about his past here and there but not as much as Hange did. I knew it pained Levi to watch me slowly starve myself to death, but I hadn’t realized how much I was hurting him. I was being selfish._

_“Oh, Erin, come here,” Hange said, pulled me to their chest, and wrapped their arms around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and hide my face into their shoulder._

_“I- didn’t k-know,” I sobbed._

_“I know.”_

_We stayed there for awhile until I calmed down. When we pulled away, there was a big smile on Hange’s face. “Now then, I’m starving,” they sang and dug into their food. I watched them silently, deciding what I should do. The more I thought about it the more I knew what had to be done._

_“Um Hange..” I said shyly, trying to not look away as they turned their attention to me. “C-Could I have a frenchfry?”_

_Frenchfries equals calories and fat, but maybe if I just ate a tiny bit it would be okay just this once._

_A huge smile appeared on Hange’s face as they held out a small bag of frenchfries to me. “Sure you can.”_

✤✤╰☆╮✤✤

 

From that point on, Hange worked on getting me help. I got a therapist and a dietitian, and before I knew it I was hospitalized at the Wall Maria Hospital Eating Disorder Program. I had told myself that I would try to get better, but it wasn’t going to be as simple as I thought it would be. I was still being controlled by my disorder.

 

When I was first hospitalized, I refused to believe the things I was being told and for the first few weeks I tried to rebel against what they were asking me to do. ‘You’re going to eat whether you feel hungry or not.’ No that spelled disaster. I’d just gain weight and be fatter than I was before. I became sick every time they asked me to eat. I told myself that I could never do it and that they were just trying to make me fat.

 

At first the treatment team started with giving me small amounts of food. As the months passed by, my diet gradually grew larger and larger. I slowly began to gain weight and my bones became less visible as time progressed. This wasn’t perfection, I was just becoming fat. Every pound I gained left me feeling panicked. It destroyed the goal I had been working so hard to achieve. Sometimes I just felt like giving up all together. The only thing that kept me motivated was Levi. He’d try to call at least once or twice a week and we’d always talk about random things. He didn't dare talk about my recovery though, which I was so grateful of. I just wanted to leave the entire topic alone until I was ready to talk about it.

 

The program’s doctor made this structure that would help me push aside my disorder and take control again. A major part of the plan was for me to go through intense cognitive and behavioral therapy. I did not like the therapist I was assigned to at all. I was cold to her and refused to answer any of her questions. However as time passed I became more open and comfortable around her.

 

The therapist challenged my thought process. She started from the reasons why I started starving myself to my lack of self worth. She’d ask me why I felt the way I did and then counteract it with whether I thought other people should feel the same way. One of the topics we worked on was how most of my thoughts were lies that my disorder was trying to spew at me. It had almost taken a year for me to realize what was true and what were lies.

 

Another thing the doctor had me do was attend group therapy. Similar to how I was with my therapist in the beginning, I never revealed anything or pitched into any of the topics that were being discussed. I didn’t need to tell my story. It wasn’t as important as the other group members. I knew they were struggling with the same problem I was but they had it worse than I did. A lot of them had been anorexic and bulimic longer than me so who am I to speak up?

 

One day during a private session, my therapist asked me why I didn’t want to share anything in group.

 

_‘The staff told me that you haven’t been talking in group. Is there a reason to why, Erin?’_

_‘I don’t need to.’_

_‘Why?’_

_‘My story isn’t as important as theirs. I’m not worth enough to say anything.’_

_‘Do you think they shouldn’t tell their story because they’re not worth enough?’_

_‘No...’_

_‘Then how are you not worth enough if you are here for the same reason as them?’_

 

A few days later I ended up speaking here and there in group. A month had passed when I finally mustered up the courage to finally tell my story about how I ended up in the program in the first place. It was ridiculous to feel like people would judge me, but it’s just how I had felt at the time. I had been completely taken back when a girl told me that I was brave to ask for help. She had suffered from anorexia for three years until then and she was telling me that I was brave. Brave enough to get help before it got worse. I realized that I shouldn’t be afraid to say anything in group anymore. They all had the same problem I did and we were the only ones who could understand each other.

 

The time I had spent living in the hospital I was taught how I could live a normal life with my disorder. Anorexia is not something a person can just get over. It’s a mental disorder that I would have for the rest of my life. It was just my choice whether I was going to stay in control or let it take over my life. With determination and willpower, I was able to push my eating disorder aside and live my life again.

 

Some days I struggled with the temptations of falling back into my old and unhealthy habits, but I always got back up and went back to my daily life. I was able to manage my anxiety better when I found out what my triggers were and learned how to cope with them. I found the perfect system to use for everyday life. I would make a schedule for myself so I could keep myself busy. Whenever I idled around it always called for disaster so I made sure that I always had something to do.

 

I wouldn’t say that I’ve fully recovered. My journey has just begun.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know there wasn't a lot of ereri interaction in this chapter but i had to talk about erin's recovery story. it seemed more realistic and sometimes people's lives aren't always revolved around their partner's. i apologize for stopping the chapter off here though. i know i said this fanfic would be a two-shot but this chapter would've been way too long if i included chapter three's content. chapter three will be coming soon so please stay tuned
> 
> oh and about their skype usernames. levi's username was originally something more serious but one day erin got a hold of his laptop and changed his username to "captaingrumpy". even though levi scolded her for it he hasn't changed it back since. erin's username was originally supposed to be "lilybunny" but my friend (who helped me come up with the names) accidentally spelled it as "lilybunnu" so i kept it


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